The true driver of your stress – Here’s a hint, it’s not your boss, your family, money or your relationships!
When you think about what stresses you out, what comes to mind? For most people it’s things that happen in their day-to-day lives. It’s the unexpected bill that comes in just before Christmas, the difficult meeting with their boss, the challenges in their relationships or just how much they have to try and squeeze in every single day. In other words, most people look at things outside themselves as being the source of their stress. If this were true, the same things would be stressful to everyone, and this is not the case. There are plenty of people who relish having full and busy lives and who just pivot when life throws them unexpected events, taking it all in their stride. This suggests that the true driver of (non-life threatening) stress is inside of you.
How we think has a far greater impact on our stress levels than the number of tasks we must manage each day—or any other challenge that may come our way. There will absolutely be some genuinely difficult situations that we will have to face in our lives (or might currently be facing). Yet, for far too many people, general day-to-day tasks have become overwhelming, often due to their sheer volume. Sure, the pace of life has sped up over the last few decades, but we still get to choose the pace at which we live. It’s just that it’s easy to forget this and as result, we tend to live each day with a level of pressure and urgency that is wreaking havoc on our nervous system.
If we peel back the layers of our stress, we start to see that nearly all of our stress comes down to our perception of pressure and urgency and worrying what others think of us. To put it another way, we care so deeply what others think of us that we place an immense amount of pressure on ourself to be seen or to perform in certain ways. If we’re not seen to be capable, responsible, efficient, kind, generous, caring, successful or hardworking—for example—it (often unconsciously) stresses us out.
And so you run yourself ragged trying to be all things to all people or to move up the ladder in your career because being perceived to be whatever words motivate you is a higher priority than your health. It’s not a conscious priority, of course. You don’t consciously think that what other people think is more important than your health. And yet, what you spend your day doing shows you what your priorities are. So if you tell yourself you don’t have time to make yourself a nourishing homecooked meal of an evening because you have to squeeze more work in, you’re telling yourself that your health is less important than your work.
But I need to pay my bills, you say, and provide for my family. It goes without saying that you have commitments and responsibilities—but I challenge you to be honest with yourself about how much more time and energy you invest in your job outside of what is expected of you or how much more you commit to do things you really don’t want to or probably don’t have enough time for. And if, in this self-enquiry, you realise you go above and beyond, I challenge you to bring curiosity without judgement and ask yourself why you do this.
Most of the time, it’s not a lack of education that stops people from doing the things they know they should do to look after themselves. We all know that working fourteen hour days, drinking too much coffee and not eating enough vegetables is not going to result in our healthiest self, but often times we do it anyway.
When we do things that we know we shouldn’t do, it usually means that somewhere under the surface of our actions some beliefs are sabotaging us. If you hear yourself say “I know I should but…” you can bet that there is something a little deeper that is stopping you from taking better care of yourself.
So what do you do about it?
Self-Reflect
For many, the first step to maintaining our wellness consistently is taking some time to reflect on those behaviours that aren’t so supportive and what might be driving them. For many, there is an underlying belief of not enoughness. This might show up in our lives as eating too much, spending beyond our means, or frequent brief intimate encounters. When we are in a trance of deficiency, our task—our only task—is to do what it takes to get more.
With decades of experiments, scientists have concluded that we don’t believe what we see, rather we see what we believe. Until you’re willing to explore your inner world and identify the beliefs that might be driving your version of the world, you will continue to act on your self-created version of reality. This is why a person who believes that people can’t be trusted will see “evidence” of this everywhere. To get to the heart of the beliefs that are holding your behaviours and actions in place we need to explore our emotional landscape to see why we feel the need to do things in the manner that we do, despite knowing better. Naming beliefs and exploring the feelings that arise is an ongoing, exciting and heart-opening process.
One of the best ways that I know to explore your emotional landscape is to journal. It allows us to open up a conversation with ourselves and begin to reflect on what’s happening for us internally. If you’re new to journaling or if you feel you need some more specific questions try writing down your answers (usually our beliefs are tied to the first thing that comes to mind) to these questions, or come up with ones that feel more potent for you:
“I know I should stop but…”
“When I look at myself I see…”
“The most important thing in life is to…”
Explore your priorities
Some of the most regular themes I hear when I chat with people are:
“How am I supposed to eat well when I don’t have time to cook?”
“How can I look after my family when I just don’t have the time to prepare meals from scratch?”
While I appreciate that many of us are juggling many different tasks and roles daily, I do believe that, in general, we need to undergo a priority check and explore our values. A nourish diet is a basic foundation to human life and good quality health and there is nothing on this Earth that can replace it. Preparing real food or making space for a regular meditation practice may take more time, but it is time we have to allow for in our day.
When we say “I don’t have time” for something, what we are essentially saying is “that’s not a priority for me.” So try that on. How do you feel when you say to yourself that you don’t have time for whatever restorative or nourishing practice that will increase your health and vitality and reward you with renewed energy? The reality is we cannot compromise our nutrition and our body and still expect to have fantastic health and energy.
The Art of Small Incremental Change
The reality is if you try to change everything all at once, it’s more likely that you’ll give everything up as too hard. If you know that you’re someone who needs to stop drinking so much coffee, cut back one at a time before switching to green tea for a period of time. Look for easy, more nourishing foods to swap in for those that are less than nourishing. Set yourself a challenge to be in bed at 10pm at least two nights a week and then work your way up to five.
If you want to cut down your screen time, challenge yourself to have a digital detox evening one night a week and then try for another. If you go out for dinner, look for a restaurant that offers more nourishing food choices if you can. And do the things you know you need to one at a time. Perhaps set up a schedule (if that’s something that works for you) where every week (or two, or every month) you add another wellness practice to your daily routine so that over the period of months, you’ve made a number of changes that will radically change the way you look after yourself. And also remember it’s what you do the majority of the time that affects your health, not some of the time. So be gentle with yourself for those occasional not as nourishing choices.
A Few Suggestions to Get You Started
If nourishing yourself with whole food is a challenge: Make yourself a green smoothie at the beginning of the day to take to work. Fill it with loads of leafy greens and top it up with a scoop of powdered vegetables for an additional boost.
If you know you drink too much alcohol for you: Start with two alcohol free days a week. Next time you go to an event where free alcohol is on offer, challenge yourself to opt for sparkling water instead. Remember that just because something is there doesn’t mean you have to consume it!
If your sweet tooth is letting you down: So many places are now offering raw desserts that are free from refined sugars, choose one of these instead or, better yet, make your own.
If you’re a workaholic: Sometimes we have deadlines that mean we have to work additional hours, other times it’s our own perception of urgency that drives us to work fourteen hour days. Check what this means for you.
Physically, the process of growing a baby exacts a significant toll and this is not discussed enough. It can be physically and emotionally challenging to get back on your feet after a baby arrives, a situation made more difficult if there are additional young ones at home and if adequate support isn’t in place. Hormonally, nutritionally and emotionally, things can take time to restore and rebalance.
The term ‘post-natal depletion’ was coined by family practitioner Dr Oscar Serrallach, who works in Northern NSW. Post-natal depletion (not to be confused with post-natal depression) refers to the physical and emotional depletion that pregnancy and lactation can create if the right supports — both nutritional and emotional — are not in place, and the concurrent journey of that type of depletion alongside the sleep deprivation and worry that comes with being a new mum.
Mums with post-natal depletion feel deeply fatigued and exhausted. They may also have a feeling of ongoing “baby brain”, with poor concentration, poor memory and fluctuating emotions. Other symptoms include a sense of not coping, feeling tired but wired or tired on waking, falling asleep unintentionally, feeling not ‘good enough’, isolated, hyper-vigilant or anxious, and a sense of guilt or shame around the role of being a mother. Some of these will, at times, be experienced by many women, understandably given the extremely demanding task of being a mother, but not everyone feels this way – at least not constantly. So if you do, it’s important that you seek support, both nutritionally and emotionally.
These days, many women enter pregnancy with suboptimal nutrient stores, which are then further depleted by the time they give birth. Poor nutritional status at conception may be due to poor dietary choices, or it may be because their body hasn’t yet recovered nutritionally from a previous pregnancy. It is not uncommon to see the phenomenon of a mother giving birth to two children from separate pregnancies inside 18 months, particularly if they believe their “fertility window” is rapidly closing. Also, with assisted reproduction we are seeing higher rates of twins, which can physically exacerbate any depletion, having supplied two growing babies simultaneously with nutrition. You can do it. Of course you can do it! But additional support is required. And not enough people are aware of this or are taking actions to prevent or remedy the depletion.
To begin to address the depletion and fatigue that too many mothers are experiencing these days, it needs to be done gradually. Too much of anything, including information, can add to the feeling of being overwhelmed. However, working towards hormonal balance and nutrient repletion are key steps to getting a woman back to experiencing energy, achieving better sleep quality, and feeling that she can cope again.
It breaks my heart that many new mums feel pressure to lose “baby weight” or to regain their “pre-baby body” soon after giving birth. By restricting caloric intake you will also essentially restrict your nutrient intake, not to mention depleting your energy further. Please, please do not worry about the number on the scales. Your body has just grown a precious little human; it took time to do this and it will take time for your body to adjust back to its normal function. Right now, your body needs nourishment, especially if you are breastfeeding, so try to shift your focus to taking care of your body, rather than punishing it through deprivation. This is not the way to achieve optimal health (including a healthy “weight” for you).
Addressing micronutrient deficiencies and opting for a whole food way of eating with plenty of vegetables, are important places to start. During pregnancy, the mother supplies everything that the growing baby needs, so this is why many mothers become low in certain nutrients. For a depleted mum, iron and zinc will typically be too low for the body to make the substances required for happiness and optimism. The best dietary source of iron and zinc is good quality red meat, however a supplement may be necessary if a deficiency is present. Testing levels before supplementing is important.
Other nutrients that may need focus include vitamin C, vitamin B12, vitamin D and magnesium. Vitamin C is found in citrus fruits, kiwifruit, broccoli, cabbage and capsicum, vitamin B12 is found in animal foods and magnesium is found in dark green leafy vegetables, nuts and seeds. The majority of our vitamin D comes from sun exposure rather than from our food. You can have your vitamin D levels tested to see if a supplement is needed.
DHA, a long chain omega-3 fatty acid, is also essential for a depleted mum. This is vital for nervous system support (including the brain), as well as hormonal balance. DHA is essential for the growth and development of the baby’s brain during pregnancy – particularly during the last trimester – and it continues to accumulate in your child’s brain at very high rates up to the age of two. Because it is so critical for the development of the baby’s brain, maternal DHA stores can become depleted during pregnancy. Yet, adults need adequate DHA too, for the maintenance of normal brain function. So it’s essential that you consume adequate DHA both during and after pregnancy to support your own brain and nervous system.
The best source of DHA is oily fish such as salmon and sardines. However, it’s important to note that due to the mercury levels in seafood, 2-3 serves of low-mercury fish per week is considered a safe intake. The body can convert another omega-3 fatty acid (called ALA) found in plants such as flaxseeds, chia seeds and walnuts, into EPA and DHA (the omega-3 fatty acids present in oily fish) however this conversion can be inefficient, and some people may not be able to produce enough DHA through this pathway. So it may be necessary to obtain DHA directly from oily fish or to take a DHA supplement. There are now some good quality DHA supplements derived from algae, too.
If you are breastfeeding, your energy (calorie) requirements are actually a little higher than they were during your pregnancy, which is why you might often be feeling ravenous. Your requirements for a number of vitamins and minerals are also higher than they were during your pregnancy. Vitamin C is one example; the daily amount required to prevent deficiency while you are breastfeeding is about forty per cent more than it is during pregnancy.
So what should you eat? The focus for the depleted mum needs to be on easy, practical meals made from whole, real foods. Refined and processed foods tend to be devoid of the vitamins and minerals that are so critical to your health and vitality, so it’s essential that you eat plenty of nutrient-rich whole foods. A balanced, nutritious meal would involve lots of colourful vegetables, a source of protein (such as eggs, oily fish, good quality meat or poultry, or legumes), a source of carbohydrate (for example, potato, sweet potato, quinoa, millet or brown rice), and a source of nourishing fats (such as avocado, nuts, seeds or some extra virgin olive oil). Your body is your best barometer when it comes to what best serves you, so listen to the messages it is sending you and nourish yourself accordingly.
Here are some tips to ensure your body is getting the nourishment it needs:
Be prepared
When hunger hits, you want to have some nourishing snacks on hand so that you aren’t reaching for processed, convenience foods that are lacking in nutrition. You might like to prepare a big batch bliss balls made from nuts and seeds and a few fresh dates and keep them in the freezer so that you can grab a couple as needed. The nuts and seeds are rich in minerals and contain nourishing fats, which will help to satiate your hunger, and the dates provide carbohydrate for energy as well as fibre. Another option for a quick snack is to keep a couple of boiled eggs on hand.
Cook in bulk
Rather than cooking just enough for one meal, cook a larger amount so that you’ll have leftovers. If you have more than one meals’ worth leftover and you’re freezing it, pack each serve/meal into a separate container so that you can easily defrost one meal at a time.
Slow cooker meals
Using a slow cooker can be a great way to prepare a nutritious meal – it just takes a little prep work in the morning or the night before, and you have a nourishing meal waiting for you at dinnertime. You can freeze leftovers, too.
Drink your greens
Green smoothies are an easy way to amp up your vegetable intake, and they can be a great snack to sip on while you are nursing. For an added boost of nutrients, try adding a serve of an organic green vegetable powder to your smoothie.
