Have you ever wondered why certain situations trigger stress in you but not in others? Why being late, declining an invitation, or even asking for help can feel so overwhelming for some, while others can’t fathom how these things can be stressful? Much of this stress isn’t just about the moment itself – it’s about how we believe we’re being perceived.

Every one of us has built an identity over time. A version of ourselves that we present to the world – whether consciously or unconsciously. And we will do almost anything to stay true to that identity because, deep down, we fear that if we aren’t seen in a certain way, we might lose love, approval, respect, or appreciation.

The words written on your forehead

Imagine there are words written across your forehead. These words represent the traits you most want others to associate with you. It might be reliable, kind, strong, independent, considerate, competent or hardworking. Whatever they are, you will go to great lengths to ensure people continue to see you in that light—even if it comes at the expense of your own well-being.

Think about this: when you feel stressed about being late, what’s really upsetting you? Is it just about missing the first few minutes of a meeting or a dinner reservation? Or is it the fear that others might see you as disorganised, unreliable, or disrespectful — words that contradict the identity you’ve built?

Or take this common scenario: You’ve had a long, exhausting week. You’d love nothing more than a quiet night at home, but you’ve already said yes to dinner with friends. Every bone in your body is telling you to cancel, but the thought of being seen as selfish, flaky, or rude makes you feel uneasy. So you go — despite knowing you’ll be running on empty.

The truth is, your friends probably wouldn’t think any less of you for prioritising rest. Yet, inside, the self-imposed pressure can feel immense for some. The judgment we pass on ourselves is almost always harsher than anything others would ever say or think.

The masks we wear

From a young age, we learn that certain traits are praised and rewarded. Many of us develop our identity based on what pleased our parents, caregivers, or influential people in our lives. Perhaps you were celebrated for being helpful, responsible, or easygoing. Over time, these qualities became part of your identity—part of what made you feel loved and accepted.

But what happens when staying true to this identity starts costing you your health?

When we cling too tightly to our constructed identity, we often override our own needs. We push through exhaustion because we don’t want to be seen as weak. We take on more than we can handle because we don’t want to disappoint others. We say yes when we desperately want to say no because we fear being judged.

And we label this constant effort to maintain a certain image as ‘stress’ and it adds to the invisible load we carry every day.

The link between identity and wellbeing

What does this have to do with your health? More than you might realise.
When we perceive a threat to our identity, our stress response activates. The body releases cortisol and adrenaline, preparing us to "fight or flee" from the perceived danger. But in this case, the danger isn’t physical — it’s emotional. It’s the fear of not being seen in the way we want to be seen. It’s the risk of disapproval.

Over time, chronic stress takes its toll. It disrupts sleep, contributes to digestive issues, accelerates ageing, affects metabolism, and alters hormone health. When we don’t feel safe in who we are, we struggle to make choices that support our health. We may turn to food, alcohol, overworking, or people-pleasing as coping mechanisms.

How to lighten the load

The first step in easing this burden is recognising it. What are the words written on your forehead?

Take a moment to reflect. Which traits feel essential to how you want others to see you? Do any of these resonate with you?

• Reliable
• Thoughtful
• Hardworking
• Competent
• Selfless
• Strong
• Kind
• Selfless
• Independent
• Considerate
• Supportive

Now ask yourself: Is this identity serving you, or is it keeping you stuck? Can you foster any flexibility in how you can handle others seeing you?

When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask:
• What am I afraid people will think of me?
• Am I making this choice to honour my well-being, or to protect my image?
• If I let go of the need to be seen a certain way, what would I do differently?

You don’t have to prove your worth by constantly showing up as the responsible one, the strong one, the selfless one. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to prioritise yourself. And the people who truly care about you will love you for who you are — not for how much you give or how much you do.

The freedom in being you

Letting go of the need to be seen a certain way is one of the greatest acts of self-care. It allows you to make choices from a place of authenticity rather than fear.

The next time stress creeps in, ask yourself if it’s coming from a genuine problem — or from the pressure to protect your identity. If it’s the latter, take a deep breath and remind yourself:

You do not have to act a certain way for people to love and appreciate you.
You do not have to exhaust yourself to be valued.

You are enough — just as you are.

And with that realisation, perhaps you can start living with far less stress, far more ease, and a whole lot more joy.