Have you ever stopped to notice the quiet narratives running through your mind? The ones you utilise to explain your experiences, your relationships, your worth and your place in the world? These stories – often subtle and unconscious – shape not just how we think but also how we feel, behave, and ultimately, who we become.
The stories we tell ourselves are powerful. They determine how we interpret the world around us, influencing whether we view challenges as insurmountable obstacles or opportunities for growth. These stories are not merely reflections of reality; they are the lenses through which we perceive it, colouring everything we encounter.
The meanings we make
Life events, big or small, are inherently neutral until we assign them meaning. Two people could experience the exact same situation but walk away with vastly different interpretations. This meaning-making process is where our personal narratives come to life. It’s shaped by past experiences, cultural influences, upbringing and the values we hold dear.
For instance, let’s say you’re overlooked for a promotion. One story might tell you, I’m not good enough; I’m never going to succeed. Another story might say, This wasn’t the right opportunity for me – there’s something better ahead. The facts of the situation are the same, but the story you choose to tell yourself will drastically affect how you feel and what actions you take next.
Our perception creates our reality. If we perceive ourselves as capable and resilient, we’re more likely to approach life with confidence and optimism. Conversely, if we believe we’re unworthy or doomed to fail, that belief can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This doesn’t mean that it’s best to ignore challenges or adopt an unrealistic “positive vibes only” mentality. Instead, it’s about cultivating awareness of the stories we’re telling ourselves and questioning whether they’re serving us or holding us back.
How stories shape our emotions
The narratives we carry have a profound impact on how we feel about ourselves and the world. When we tell ourselves stories of lack, failure, or unworthiness, our emotional state reflects those beliefs – leading to feelings of anxiety, sadness or hopelessness. Conversely, stories of resilience, gratitude and possibility can create a sense of calm and hopefulness.
It’s worth noting that these emotional states aren’t just mental – they influence our physical health, too. Stressful narratives can activate the sympathetic nervous system, keeping us in a fight-or-flight state that drains our energy and compromises our wellbeing. Insightful, curious or affirming stories help engage the parasympathetic nervous system, fostering rest, repair and resilience.
But what about truly devastating circumstances?
It’s important to acknowledge that some situations are undeniably heartbreaking, unjust, or profoundly challenging. In these moments, it’s not about forcing positivity or pretending everything is okay when it’s clearly not. Instead, it’s about allowing yourself to feel the full spectrum of your emotions – grief, anger, despair – while gently guiding your narrative towards one of growth, healing and hope when you’re ready. It can help even a little, to remind yourself that pain and beauty co-exist in every moment.
The story you tell yourself in these moments doesn’t need to dismiss the pain but rather honour it. For example, shifting from “This is unbearable, and I’ll never recover” to “This is incredibly hard, but I am resilient, and I will find my way through this” can be a powerful step forward.
While we can’t always control what happens to us, we can control the meaning we make from it. Finding a way to assign purpose or a sense of meaning to difficult circumstances—such as learning from the experience, growing stronger, or helping others in similar situations—can transform how you move forward.
True resilience doesn’t mean avoiding pain but instead finding the strength to navigate through it, rewrite the narrative, and come out the other side with renewed perspective. Even in the darkest chapters, you hold the power to shape the story and emerge stronger than you thought possible. Some of the most inspiring human stories come from people who have faced genuinely mind-boggling adversity and have managed to come through the other side, not just whole, but even more deeply connected to themselves and the world around them. These individuals don’t deny the difficulty of their experiences but instead use them as a catalyst for growth, empathy and purpose. Their stories remind us that while we may not choose our circumstances, we can always choose how we respond to them.
Becoming the author of your story
While we can’t always control the circumstances of our lives, we can control the meaning we assign to them. Here’s how to start:
- Notice your narrative Begin by bringing awareness to the stories you’re telling yourself. Pay attention to your self-talk and how you interpret events. Are your narratives empowering or limiting?
- Question the story When you catch yourself in a limiting story, ask yourself: Is this really true? Where did this belief come from? What evidence do I have to support or refute this story?
- Reframe the narrative Consider alternative perspectives. If a story is making you feel stuck, how could you rewrite it in a way that serves you better? For example, replace “I always mess things up” with “I’m learning and growing from every experience”.
- Focus on gratitude Gratitude shifts your focus from what’s missing to what’s abundant in your life. This simple practice can transform your narrative from one of lack to one of appreciation.
- Practice self-compassion Be kind to yourself as you work through your stories. Acknowledge that it’s human to have doubts and fears, but remind yourself that you’re capable of growth and change.
- Surround yourself with uplifting influences The people we spend time with can influence our narratives. Seek out relationships that encourage you to see your strengths and potential.
The stories we tell ourselves are not set in stone – they’re dynamic and can be rewritten at any time. By becoming conscious of these narratives and choosing ones that uplift and empower us, we can change how we think, how we feel and how we live.
So, take a moment to reflect: What story are you telling yourself today? Is it one that supports the life you want to create? If not, remember: you hold the pen.
